In the Vault: The Great Wallet Hunt
Several years ago I was asked to pen a lengthy column for a webzine I scribbled for called Bettawreckonize. Life's been a little uneventful lately, so I thought I would drag out a little entry I wrote up a few years back.
Enjoy,
.mCr.
_________________________________________
After five years of outstanding service it finally came to me last night that it was time for a new wallet. My current wallet (a gift from my sister five years ago) is showing signs of near death!
1st Sign: All wallets have lining on their insides. The lining separates the bills and the cards into little respective slots. Anyhoo, that lining has started to give and I fear that my cards will have access to escaping.
This is actually the first time that I've ever had this happen, but I attribute it to having more credit, ATM, ID's, etc.
My first wallet was a very nasty blue Coca-Cola velcro wallet that I got while on vacation with my family in Colorado. I remember pulling out a small wad of money somewhere and my father asked where my billfold was? I stood there looking at him with a blank stare (knowing very well that no answer was never agood excuse for my father) and told him that I didn't have one. I guess I didn't really think about it too much then but his concern about me not having a wallet as a little boy (more importantly - his little boy) was very noticeable. He managed to find the Coca-Cola billfold at my aunt's house that afternoon and it served as my wallet from age 7 to 11. In retrospect, I didn't use it all that much I just had it on me in case my father asked me to pull it out. On Saturdays he would wake me up really early to go get "father/son" haircuts. He'd ask where the "bill fold" was and I'd flash it out so I could get the five spot to pay for the snipping. The biggest problem with this wallet was:
· It looked cheesy (it being a freakish BLUE).
· It had that super Velcro that kept it together.
Remember those 80's Velcro wallets? It was like tearing a fucking phone book in half! I wonder what ever happened to all those wallets? I think I missed out on a class action lawsuit of some kind - where children all across the U.S. suffered freak arm dislocations from trying to tear open one of those things. Come to think of it? I remember having a CAMEL cigarette "Six-pack" cooler, also a vibrant blue, that looked like a plastic paper bag of some kind. Again, my forearms suffered from its VELCRO HELL! But what can I do? My mother urged me to use as a lunch box and I did.
· I should note: My parents stressed the importance of never drinking, smoking or doing drugs, but fuck if they ever passed on the opportunity of outfitting my sister and I with countless "one-size-fits-all" garb from Salem, Camel, Marlboro, Budweiser, Miller Lite, etc. I remember how pissed my mom was when I was in 4th grade and they announced that these shirts could no longer be used at school! I shit you NOT!
Here is a 3rd grade photo of me wearing a *Playboy* polo shirt, my father got from a subscription. He had wanted a medium
shirt, but they sent a small by accident. If you look closely, you'll notice that the front zipper goes down to my belly button!
Anyway, after several complaints my father broke down and gave me a money clip he had stored somewhere.
The Money Clip - That lasted all but three weeks. I never had enough money to really ever put in a clip at the age eleven, so after another two weeks of complaints on my part, my uncle was kind enough to pass on his old wallet. A nasty, NEAR LEATHER job, that had a deep CACA brown border and a freaky tan fuzz square on each side. My uncle (George) was seven years older than I was so he was an Idol of sorts. So I took this wallet as a "coming of age" moment. For most guys it's shaving, but I run deep with Aztec blood (that means no facial hair till your early 20's) so I had to make good with what I had.
But I digress....the nasty, "Near Leather" wallet lasted for a couple of years. I didn't really need a wallet from ages 12 to 14. I really only had it on me, when I went out to the movies or the mall. A nasty rubber-like piggy bank that kept my School I.D. and what little money I didn't blow on records.
My third wallet was the monumental wallet. This was the wallet that would set my wallet tastes FOR LIFE! A very fashionable, tri-fold brown leather wallet made by FOSSIL. I was only months away from acquiring my license and I was GEEKED to finally have use the FLAP function! The ability to flap open is the reason why I'm a tri-fold man for life….I don't see how people can justify the bi-fold. It's an inferior wallet. Sure it's slim and it's probably better for your back, but I need that inconvenience on my right butt check. Sure it hurts, but at least I know that it's still there!
The FOSSIL wallet lasted for five years or so. I remember the little metal logo coming off fist then the leather began to tear from it missing. I actually took a needle and thread to it and gave it a scar like appearance. Something that I thought was FUCKING COOL, but got little support from loved ones
Present Wallet: Five years ago, on Christmas, my sister decides to get me a new "bill fold." I knew that this should be taken as a thoughtful gesture, but it's a bullshit last minute gift on her behalf. My mother urged her to get if for me! Women don't understand the relationship between a man and his wallet. No one should come in between that.…if a person is going to let something that special go, then let that person do it on his own. Don't gift wrap it in a little box and have him open it in front of family members!
So now I'm in a living room, stuck with extended family (that I wouldn't be caught dead with - if it weren't for Christmas) fielding silly remarks like: "Wow Rollie! A new wallet." "You've been needing one of those... why don't you try it out?" "Try it out? Have you no fucking HEART WOMAN," I said to my aunt (we're a drinking family on the holidays).
So, after my little drunken blow-up. I took my new wallet and the rest of my unopened presents up to my room. I just sat there with the creeping thought of having the "changing of the guard." Every man has to do this. You set the new wallet on the right side of the old wallet and you pull out all the old things that you may have forgotten about over the years. The high school pictures, the phone number from "what's-her-name," that you promised to give a call to after a long Friday night in Mexico. It makes you really not want to get rid of the precious little thing. Anyway, I decided to use the little black wallet my sister gave me.
I hated it at first. I remember the first time I accidentally left it in some pants and it got washed in the washer. I pulled out the little wet mess and I didn't feel bad for it. I kind of hoped that the wallet wouldn't pull through. Anything so I could get my mother to send the old wallet back! But, it didn't. New wallets, like new dogs that replace old ones, have to EARN YOUR LOVE!
And it has. Strangely enough, the wallet was a little more convenient than my old wallet and I got several compliments from friends on how nice it was.
However, the compliments are few and far between now and it just gave off another sign of near death.
You know that little plastic laminate that covers the license? Well, it started doing what I like to call "the stretch." That's where the laminate seems to stretch beyond the leather border, possibly caused by the giving of the glue from various dunkings I gave it in the washer. Once the laminate stretches, it begins to curl. My laminate is now beyond the curl stage and its found it's way to the curl and crack stage. Not good, especially for a happening young gent like myself. I can't be taking out the old wallet with a cracked and curled laminate.... it's not DONE in rock n' roll!
But, I'm four years out of the wallet loop (actually nine years or so since my sister purchased my last wallet). Where am I supposed to start my search?
I've never seen an article on wallets and that gave me a reason to even write a column on the subject. Is there a specific brand that I need to keep an eye out for? Does one limit themselves to visiting his or her local mall to get one of these things?
I know that I don't need anything too fancy. A wallet from Luis Vuitton won't do. I don't ever frequent a spot (or know a person for that matter) that would admire that kind of wallet. With that said I don't want something that may be too trendy either. I mean, I don't care how popular Paul Frank is; a silly monkey on my wallet won't do!
I just want something simple. I'm not set on having it a specific color but I'd like to have a leather wallet. A nice tri-fold with equipped with a few slots to showcase my spending power.
So if you have any recommendations or thoughts on my little piece please send them in.
Enjoy,
.mCr.
_________________________________________
After five years of outstanding service it finally came to me last night that it was time for a new wallet. My current wallet (a gift from my sister five years ago) is showing signs of near death!
1st Sign: All wallets have lining on their insides. The lining separates the bills and the cards into little respective slots. Anyhoo, that lining has started to give and I fear that my cards will have access to escaping.
This is actually the first time that I've ever had this happen, but I attribute it to having more credit, ATM, ID's, etc.
My first wallet was a very nasty blue Coca-Cola velcro wallet that I got while on vacation with my family in Colorado. I remember pulling out a small wad of money somewhere and my father asked where my billfold was? I stood there looking at him with a blank stare (knowing very well that no answer was never agood excuse for my father) and told him that I didn't have one. I guess I didn't really think about it too much then but his concern about me not having a wallet as a little boy (more importantly - his little boy) was very noticeable. He managed to find the Coca-Cola billfold at my aunt's house that afternoon and it served as my wallet from age 7 to 11. In retrospect, I didn't use it all that much I just had it on me in case my father asked me to pull it out. On Saturdays he would wake me up really early to go get "father/son" haircuts. He'd ask where the "bill fold" was and I'd flash it out so I could get the five spot to pay for the snipping. The biggest problem with this wallet was:
· It looked cheesy (it being a freakish BLUE).
· It had that super Velcro that kept it together.
Remember those 80's Velcro wallets? It was like tearing a fucking phone book in half! I wonder what ever happened to all those wallets? I think I missed out on a class action lawsuit of some kind - where children all across the U.S. suffered freak arm dislocations from trying to tear open one of those things. Come to think of it? I remember having a CAMEL cigarette "Six-pack" cooler, also a vibrant blue, that looked like a plastic paper bag of some kind. Again, my forearms suffered from its VELCRO HELL! But what can I do? My mother urged me to use as a lunch box and I did.
· I should note: My parents stressed the importance of never drinking, smoking or doing drugs, but fuck if they ever passed on the opportunity of outfitting my sister and I with countless "one-size-fits-all" garb from Salem, Camel, Marlboro, Budweiser, Miller Lite, etc. I remember how pissed my mom was when I was in 4th grade and they announced that these shirts could no longer be used at school! I shit you NOT!
Here is a 3rd grade photo of me wearing a *Playboy* polo shirt, my father got from a subscription. He had wanted a medium
shirt, but they sent a small by accident. If you look closely, you'll notice that the front zipper goes down to my belly button!Anyway, after several complaints my father broke down and gave me a money clip he had stored somewhere.
The Money Clip - That lasted all but three weeks. I never had enough money to really ever put in a clip at the age eleven, so after another two weeks of complaints on my part, my uncle was kind enough to pass on his old wallet. A nasty, NEAR LEATHER job, that had a deep CACA brown border and a freaky tan fuzz square on each side. My uncle (George) was seven years older than I was so he was an Idol of sorts. So I took this wallet as a "coming of age" moment. For most guys it's shaving, but I run deep with Aztec blood (that means no facial hair till your early 20's) so I had to make good with what I had.
But I digress....the nasty, "Near Leather" wallet lasted for a couple of years. I didn't really need a wallet from ages 12 to 14. I really only had it on me, when I went out to the movies or the mall. A nasty rubber-like piggy bank that kept my School I.D. and what little money I didn't blow on records.
My third wallet was the monumental wallet. This was the wallet that would set my wallet tastes FOR LIFE! A very fashionable, tri-fold brown leather wallet made by FOSSIL. I was only months away from acquiring my license and I was GEEKED to finally have use the FLAP function! The ability to flap open is the reason why I'm a tri-fold man for life….I don't see how people can justify the bi-fold. It's an inferior wallet. Sure it's slim and it's probably better for your back, but I need that inconvenience on my right butt check. Sure it hurts, but at least I know that it's still there!
The FOSSIL wallet lasted for five years or so. I remember the little metal logo coming off fist then the leather began to tear from it missing. I actually took a needle and thread to it and gave it a scar like appearance. Something that I thought was FUCKING COOL, but got little support from loved ones
Present Wallet: Five years ago, on Christmas, my sister decides to get me a new "bill fold." I knew that this should be taken as a thoughtful gesture, but it's a bullshit last minute gift on her behalf. My mother urged her to get if for me! Women don't understand the relationship between a man and his wallet. No one should come in between that.…if a person is going to let something that special go, then let that person do it on his own. Don't gift wrap it in a little box and have him open it in front of family members!
So now I'm in a living room, stuck with extended family (that I wouldn't be caught dead with - if it weren't for Christmas) fielding silly remarks like: "Wow Rollie! A new wallet." "You've been needing one of those... why don't you try it out?" "Try it out? Have you no fucking HEART WOMAN," I said to my aunt (we're a drinking family on the holidays).
So, after my little drunken blow-up. I took my new wallet and the rest of my unopened presents up to my room. I just sat there with the creeping thought of having the "changing of the guard." Every man has to do this. You set the new wallet on the right side of the old wallet and you pull out all the old things that you may have forgotten about over the years. The high school pictures, the phone number from "what's-her-name," that you promised to give a call to after a long Friday night in Mexico. It makes you really not want to get rid of the precious little thing. Anyway, I decided to use the little black wallet my sister gave me.
I hated it at first. I remember the first time I accidentally left it in some pants and it got washed in the washer. I pulled out the little wet mess and I didn't feel bad for it. I kind of hoped that the wallet wouldn't pull through. Anything so I could get my mother to send the old wallet back! But, it didn't. New wallets, like new dogs that replace old ones, have to EARN YOUR LOVE!
And it has. Strangely enough, the wallet was a little more convenient than my old wallet and I got several compliments from friends on how nice it was.
However, the compliments are few and far between now and it just gave off another sign of near death.
You know that little plastic laminate that covers the license? Well, it started doing what I like to call "the stretch." That's where the laminate seems to stretch beyond the leather border, possibly caused by the giving of the glue from various dunkings I gave it in the washer. Once the laminate stretches, it begins to curl. My laminate is now beyond the curl stage and its found it's way to the curl and crack stage. Not good, especially for a happening young gent like myself. I can't be taking out the old wallet with a cracked and curled laminate.... it's not DONE in rock n' roll!
But, I'm four years out of the wallet loop (actually nine years or so since my sister purchased my last wallet). Where am I supposed to start my search?
I've never seen an article on wallets and that gave me a reason to even write a column on the subject. Is there a specific brand that I need to keep an eye out for? Does one limit themselves to visiting his or her local mall to get one of these things?
I know that I don't need anything too fancy. A wallet from Luis Vuitton won't do. I don't ever frequent a spot (or know a person for that matter) that would admire that kind of wallet. With that said I don't want something that may be too trendy either. I mean, I don't care how popular Paul Frank is; a silly monkey on my wallet won't do!
I just want something simple. I'm not set on having it a specific color but I'd like to have a leather wallet. A nice tri-fold with equipped with a few slots to showcase my spending power.
So if you have any recommendations or thoughts on my little piece please send them in.
1 Comments:
Oy vey.
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